How to Know a Person: the Art of Seeing Others Deeply… (Below)

‘The Great Dechurching’ 

June 20, 2025

Consider this source as we talk about the need for renewal in the contemporary church.

‘The Great Dechurching’ 

By Jim Davis, Michael Graham, and Ryan Burge

“Unfortunately, the reality is that many of the regular attendees who no longer come to our churches have simply stopped going anywhere on Sundays.” **

This study “describes this phenomenon, which is being experienced throughout the North American church. The ominous title matches a distressing reality: people are leaving the church—many with no intention to return.” ** They report 40 million have left.

“This book doesn’t merely cite data that validates an observable reality. It also provides survey results from the departing masses to discern why they’re leaving and what might bring them back again. The Great Dechurching combines a heart for the local church and a deep interest in understanding the culture with rigorous statistical analysis.” **

“The Great Dechurching is painfully honest. The data suggests this dechurching is happening everywhere—not simply among one denomination or stratum of society. This data, which is the result of a statistically rigorous survey, makes clear that the work of mission and evangelism is necessary for everyone.” ** 

On the other hand, the authors speak of opportunities in the middle of this crisis. “51% of the 40 million say they will return. (p. 3) Over 50% still hold orthodox beliefs. (p. 5) Many dechurched just need a nudge. Invite them. Use hospitality in your home and life. Invite them into your lives. (p. 6) They don’t need to be convinced church has value, but they need to be nudged. (p. 10) Millions leave due to not feeling loved, or belonging, or that they fit in. (p. 7-8) For them Church is not an event it is a family. Many find better relating at sports events of their children… (p. 8)

Go to the link for our blog and let’s look at what the church can learn from ‘The Great Dechurching’ for renewal. We talk about ‘gold’ for church renewal today.

The authors of ‘The Great Dechurching’ feel from the surveys that the way the church relates with people is a problem. They are so bold as to say, “Relational incompetence is clear in both churches and individual Christians as they relate with the potential dechurched. But, they say, ‘We can change the way we relate.’” (p. 17)  The book goes on to say, “People are not projects, but human beings bearing the image of God.” (p. 20) “We don’t just want to persuade them, but to meet their needs on the very deepest levels. We will have to have some relational capital with those we intend to influence.” (p. 21) They talk about the willingness to listen and understand, as well as acting with transparency and vulnerability appropriate to touch people in their needs. (p. 22, 25-26)

The authors feel that the relational element is a need for the ‘dechurched’ that this study has uncovered. This will become one of the ‘pillar concepts’ of this blog in the weeks and months to come, but for today look at a few implications.

I raised the relational deficiency idea to a church leader recently and their response was quick and strong. This church is a loving church where people are tightly woven into the fabric of this network. From my observations this is a feeling among most church leaders and attenders. I had attended the leader’s church with my homeless friend before so I asked how long he thought it might take for my friend to enter that status? A seed was sown but I knew it would take much more to erode that idea ‘his church was loving to everyone.’

I remember working with a single parent mother in poverty with addiction issues for some years. She came with me to my own church and I remember telling her that this church could become a place where she could find a support network for life. She was listening with her feelings from that Sunday distracting her, since she felt like an outsider that hardly anyone noticed. Realistically I said to her if she would come and sit on this pew for the next three years I felt the people would gradually accept her there and begin to relate with her with friendship and care. I wanted to be honest with her and avoid painting a picture few churches could live up to. I had already come to grips with the reality that to become an embraced part of the fabric of a church one would need to show up consistently for some years. 

On the flip side I am thinking of three or the most notable movements for Jesus in the history of Christianity; the early church from year 100ad to 300ad, the Chinese revival that flourished all through the 20th century, and the Wesleyan movement in the late 1700’s and early 1800’s. Anyone who would study the details of these massive movements would find that a common denominator was the powerful loving acceptance they displayed to others in their worlds. Each of these movements were known for this quality as one of their most effective tools in reaching people and saturating their cultures. When we translate the ‘relational element’ into the Gospel call to ‘love others’ we find gold, one of the great treasures for church renewal.

** Information taken from Matt Rogers’ review of this volume in The Church Coalition website, November 2023.

How to Know a Person: the Art of Seeing Others Deeply…

June 18, 2025

David Brooks

Here is another key element to church renewal that flies under the radar for most. David Brooks writes on a subject that he believes is at the core of human longing, saying, “There is one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organization, or society: the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen —to accurately know another person, to let them feel valued, heard, and understood.” 

Though Brooks writes as a journalist and sounds like a sociologist or a psychologist, this truth he projects makes me think it could easily be the greatest character quality of that man named Jesus. Think about it, seeing, understanding, and knowing someone deeply and compassionately. For this reason I include the work of Brooks as another resource to assist the church toward the grand renewal I am positive God intends. (p. 11)

Brooks reminds us that “Human beings need recognition as much as they need food and water.” He says, “In this age of creeping dehumanization, I’ve become obsessed with social skills: how to get better at treating people with consideration; how to get better at understanding the people right around us. I’ve come to believe that the quality of our lives and the health of our society depends, to a large degree, on how well we treat each other in the minute interactions of daily life.” (p. 11-12) 

From the perspective of a sociologist Brooks is describing the calling of the Body of Christ as I see it. “In the age of creeping dehumanization” our call is to love others. Our call is to emulate this quality of knowing that Jesus portrayed so keenly. Our call is a relational call to walk beside people as God draws them to Christ’s love and care that we share. Our call is to serve others touching the deep-felt needs in their lives, again like Jesus. Our call is to invite people into the family of God in a real and practical sense of connecting lives and hearts together, where no one is left alone. Perhaps Brooks, in his secular approach, is naming a core and critical quality that the church of Jesus ought to radiate, even better than others could ever hope.

Brooks continues to mull over this theme. “Some days it seems like we have intentionally built a society that gives people little guidance on how to perform the most important activities of life. As a result, a lot of us are lonely and lack deep friendships. It’s not because we don’t want these things. Above almost any other need, human beings long to have another person look into their face with loving respect and acceptance.” (p. 11)

The church may not realize the power of this quality of Christ. Brooks describes it further. “There are few things as fulfilling as that sense of being seen and understood. I often ask people to tell me about times they’ve felt seen, and with glowing eyes they tell me stories about pivotal moments in their life. They talk about a time when someone perceived some talent in them that they themselves weren’t even able to see. They talk about a time when somebody understood exactly what they needed at some exhausted moment—and stepped in, in just the right way, to lighten the load. (p. 12)

Listen as Brooks bends to the spiritual. “I wanted to learn this skill for what I think of as spiritual reasons. Seeing someone well is a powerfully creative act. No one can fully appreciate their own beauty and strengths unless those things are mirrored back to them in the mind of another. There is something in being seen that brings forth growth. If you beam the light of your attention on me, I blossom. If you see great potential in me, I will probably come to see great potential in myself. If you can understand my frailties and sympathize with me when life treats me harshly, then I am more likely to have the strength to weather the storms of life. “The roots of resilience,” the psychologist Diana Fosha writes, “are to be found in the sense of being understood by and existing in the mind and heart of a loving, attuned, and self-possessed other.” In how you see me, I will learn to see myself.” (p. 13)

Seeing these inspirations, it is clear Brooks can help us as we walk toward paths of renewal for the church.